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Sunday February 14th, 2016

Nearly a quarter of Montrealers between the ages of 18 and 45 are currently dating anime body pillows claims online retailer Waifu4You. “Montreal is leading the world in body pillow relationships,” says Waifu4You founder Ted Snakeyeux. “The city is a real trendsetter when it comes to creating new ways of relating to inanimate objects. This is good news for environmentalists who worry about the booming human population. The more people date sexy body pillows, the less babies are born, the healthier our planet will become.”

Jared Odinson, a 24 year old mechanic from Point St-Charles, started dating his pink haired plus sized anime pillow last fall. “I’ve never had a 3D girlfriend,” says Jared. “I’ve been boycotting flesh and blood relationships ever since I was friend zoned back in high school by my first love. However, I was growing tired of spending my nights alone in bed, so I decided to order a 2d waifu off of Amazon. When I got my anime pillow in the mail, it was like a whole new world opened to me. I now have a perfect relationship with a sexy woman who nurtures me in a way human beings never could.”

It’s not only straight men who are dating anime body pillows, says Ted. “We have a whole line of body pillows for people of all genders and orientations. Gay pillows, straight pillows, male pillows, female pillows, unicorn and dinosaur pillows,” says Ted. “You name it, we make it. If there’s a a fetish you’ve got, there’s a pillow we make for it. Gone are the days where you have to engage in strenuous emotional labour in order to fulfill the basic human need of being touched and cared for by other people.”

Scientists have released dozens of the studies that show that dating an anime body pillow meets all the emotional and physical needs that human relationships do. “When you get right down to it, anime body pillows have all the benefits of real relationships and none of the downsides,” says Chinese cartoonologist Dawson Greek. “There’s no drama, there’s no chance of getting STDs from them, they’ll never break up with you or yell at your or physically or emotionally abuse you. They’re basically perfect. Human relationships are basically obsolete thanks to anime body pillows.”
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