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Thursday April 7th, 2016

Police in Toronto are warning citizens not to order IPAs at bars after a man was beaten to death for doing exactly that. “There’s a growing movement of people who are fed up with hipsters who blather on about their love of IPAs,” says Sgt. Hugo Heffner of the Toronto Police Department. “And who can blame them? The craft microbrew crowd can be incredibly obnoxious. I know i’ve gotten the urge to smack a snobby beer enthusiast at a bar before, but I didn’t, because it’s illegal to assault people. Just because IPA drinkers are annoying doesn’t mean you have the right to beat the shit out of them.”

IPA enthusiasts say that threats of violence won’t stop them from drinking top quality beer. “And it won’t stop us from lecturing people about their taste in beer either,” says alcoholic George Hunter. “When you drink a shitty beer, it’s like your pissing on the entire craft of brewing. It makes my blood boil. I can’t help but hector the plebes who drink Molson and Labatt. Like dude, that shit is piss water. Drink a real beer. Drink an IPA.”

Bar owners say they’ll continue selling IPAs at their establishment, though they’ll also ask beer enthusiast not to mock other’s for their choice in drinks. “We believe that all beers are created equally,” says bar owner Rafael Cruz. “You don’t get to decide which drink is better or worse. That’s an individual decision that’s up to each and every one of our patro
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