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Wednesday April 6th, 2016

Public blowjobs have become de rigueur over the last few months after Donald Trump fans popularized them as part of their war on political correctness. You’ve probably all heard the story of how Jennifer Rawling, a Trumpista, gave her boyfriend Todd Ryan a blowjob on the streets of Chicago after the pair were violently attacked by an intolerant Bernie Sanders supporter.

The act, which was captured on film, has served as a rallying cry by an American public that has grown increasingly tired of left wing moral scolds. Ever since that fateful blowjob, Trump fans have been engaging in public oral sex everywhere they go. It’s their way of telling the puritanical sex negative followers of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton to fuck off.

“If Sanders supporters had their way, sex would require multiple written consent forms,” says Jason Irons, a coal miner from Virginia. “I’m not even joking, Sanders supporters believe in affirmative consent, which basically means every time you do something different during the course of a sexual encounter, you need to get explicit permission from your partner, and the only permission that counts in a court of law is the kind that’s written down. So you’re a dude and you want to switch from missionary to doggie style, well better get you’re consent form out and have your girlfriend sign on the dotted line. Insane right? That’s the kind of future that progressives like Sanders are building for us. It’s terrifying. Fuck Sanders and fuck his authoritarian nanny state followers. They want to control our sexuality, but we won’t let them. We’re going to give each other blowjobs. We’ll do it publicly. And we’ll do it in ways that piss off the regressive left wing bigots who are trying to usher in some bizarro sexual dystopia where you need to ask the state for permission every time you change sexual positions.”

Trump fans love the fact that they’re weaponizing blowjobs.

“I hope we turn the left off oral sex,” says Jason. “I hope we end up creating an indelible link in the public imagination between blowjobs and conservative politics, that way progressives will never again enjoy a good old fashioned hummer.”
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