Index - About Us Register - Login
Article Listings
Newest Articles
All Articles
Monthly View
2019 April
2019 February
2019 January
2018 December
2018 November
2018 September
2018 August
2018 July
2018 June
2018 May
2017 October
2017 September
2017 August
2017 July
2017 January
2016 May
2016 April
2016 March
2016 February
2016 January
2015 December
2015 November
2015 October
2015 September
2015 August
2015 July
2015 June
2015 May
2015 April
2015 March
2015 January
2014 September
2014 August
2014 July
2014 June
2014 May
2014 April
2013 November
2013 October
2013 June
2013 May
2013 April
2013 March
2013 February
2013 January
2012 November
2012 October
2012 September
2012 August
2012 June
2011 December
2011 November
2011 August
2011 July
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
Like Us!
Thursday September 17th, 2015

Starting October 1st, Montreal bus drivers will be given mandatory vodka shots at the start of their shifts. “It’s part of a new initiative designed to make life more interesting for the people of Montreal,” says mayor Roger Mulcair. “Driving the bus for hours on end can be incredibly dull, and if the bus drivers are bored, their passengers will be bored. Bored passengers means bored workers, and bored workers means less productivity, which leads to less tax revenue. Drunk drivers will have more fun on the road, which oddly enough, means that workers will be more productive. The specifics are fuzzy, but specialists assure me that this is how economics work. Drunk driving is good business."

According to safety expert Denise Felardeau, the days of drinking responsibly are long gone. “Montreal’s current administration is dedicated to making this city more exciting, and one of the ways of doing that is by rejecting the safety-first ethos that has come to dominate so much of Western civilization,” says Denise. “In the years ahead, I expect to see a lot of safety regulations clawed back, as people grow tired of living inside a giant bubble were nothing is dangerous and everything is safe. Human beings crave danger and risk. Encouraging bus drivers to work drunk is just one way to rebalance society. The reign of the safe space will be short lived, as people rebel by embracing reckless risk taking."

Many bus drivers aren’t sure they want to drink vodka before hitting the road. “I think i’d be much happier drinking vodka after my shift ends,” says 45 year old Gerard Jerome. “However, if the government says I have to drive drunk, than I guess I’ll suck it up and take my shots. If I end up running over some pedestrians, don’t blame me."

Mayor Mulcair wouldn’t have it any other way. “Everyone focuses too much on assigning blame,” says Mulcair. “The fact is simple: being alive is dangerous and the survival rate is 0%. We need to come to terms with the fact that living isn’t safe. It will never be safe. Bad things will happen, and that’s okay. By encouraging bad things to happen, we’re telling people that it’s normal to get hurt. That pain isn’t something to avoid, but something we need to embrace. Life is much more fun when you realize it’s supposed to hurt."
Contact Us | Copyright (c) 2024 Rave News