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Wednesday September 16th, 2015

Montreal DJ Khalis Calissy has given up on being human and moved to England, where he has joined a goat herd. “People suck,” says Khalis. “I’d rather eat grass and frolic in the mountains with my goat brothers and sisters than spend another agonizing dealing with human beings."

The DJ has long been vocal about his affinity for goats. “Goats are smarter than people, they’re friendlier than people, and they make better lovers than people,” says Khalis. “A goat won’t stab you in the back and cheat on you with your best friend. A goat won’t laugh at you if you have trouble getting it up. A goat won’t question your taste in music or your masculinity. You know what, sometimes my penis doesn’t get erect, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to make fun of me. Goats never judge me the way people do."

Goatologist Siam Blanks says he’s not surprised that Khalis went and joined a goat herd. “It’s one of the weirder trends I’ve noticed over the last five years,” says Siam. "Tons of DJs are cutting ties with humanity to join goat herds. I think techno music is one of those things that really emphasizes how dependent we’ve become on technology. If we don’t balance out our use of technology by getting in touch with nature every once in awhile, eventually our brain breaks and we become goat people. That’s what i think has happened to DJs like Khalis. He focused so much of his time on making beep-hoop-bop music that he forgot how to be a human being."

Not everyone agrees with Siam’s assessment. “Techno is Satan’s music,” says evangelical Christian Brogan McAuley. “That’s why DJs are joining goat herds. They want to be closer to the devil that they serve. The Devil’s human form is half-man, half-goat. DJs, by joining goat herds, hope to impregnate a goat and give birth to Satan. That sounds ridiculous, but please understand, just as Jesus was born of an immaculate conception, so will Satan be born from the love of a man and a goat. The DJs are the devils army, working to bring him into this world."

Khalis doesn’t agree with either Siam or Brogan. “I have sex with goats because they respect me, not because I want to give birth to Satan,” says Khalis. “And I quit society because people suck, not because I was hungry for nature after spending years making techno music. People need to stop over-thinking things."
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