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Friday September 11th, 2015

Dancing’s popularity has declined by double digits over the last decade as millennials have embraced an entirely new way of partying: rhythmic self-urination. “Dancing just isn’t popular anymore,” says 34 year old rave promoter Joe Smorgasvine. “It’s considered old and dorky, the new hip way to enjoy a party is by pissing into your own mouth. That’s what all the cool kids are doing."

Teenagers agree, dancing is out, rhythmic self-urination is in. “When I go to a club, it’s all about peeing in my own mouth,” says 18 year old Linda Karter. “Rhythmic self-urination is an intricate art form that requires a lot more skill than dancing. You have to time your movements just right, or you might accidentally miss your face, and that’s a huge social faux pas. There’s nothing less cool than trying to pee in your own mouth, but hitting your shoulder or your collar bone instead. That’s a quick trip to dorksville."

One of the reasons for rhythmic self-urinations explosive popularity is that it highlights sex differences. “Today there’s this huge movement popular with hipster dorks who think that gender is entirely constructed and that men and women aren’t biologically different,” says Linda. “However, you can’t practice rhythmic self-urination without coming face to face with the fact that sexual differences do exist. Male and female rhythmic self-urinators have come up with entirely different ways of performing the art, and these differences have been structured by biological realities that liberal art graduates can’t erase. Men use their penises, while women often uses pee funnels, cups that come in all shapes and sizes and help direct urine flow. Pro-level women don’t even use pee funnels, they’ve become so familiar with the inner workings of their bodies that they can control their pee without using funnels."

Joe Smorgasvine agrees that rhythmic self-urination’s popularity is a backlash against rigid gender policing by academic leftists. “People are tired of being told that women and men are 100% identical and that everything is culturally constructed,” says Joe. “They’re so fed up, that they’ve embraced rhythmic self-urination as a way of saying, no, men and women aren’t the same. We’ll show you by turning urination into a gendered art form where men and women can embrace their differences while accepting the warm golden glow of their own life force."

Linda says rhythmic self-urination isn’t just a lot of fun, it’s also a great way to improve your sex life. “If you get really good at rhythmic self-urination, you’ll have much stronger orgasms,” says Linda. “I think that’s one of the best things about rhythmic self-urination, it’s that if you pay attention to how people are mouth pissing on the dance floor, it’s easy to spot the men and women who have mastered the art of controlling their genitals."

Linda and Joe both believe that rhythmic self-urination isn’t going away anytime soon. “Biology isn’t culturally con structure, but some things are,” says Linda. "What’s cool is a cultural construct. Dancing used to be cool. Now pissing in your own mouth is cool. That’s just the way culture works."
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