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Monday September 14th, 2015

The Montreal Police, with the help of Post-Modern Gender Theorists from Concordia, have embarked on a controversial plan to retool their use of force. Starting in October, the police will have to hand in their guns, which they’ll replace with rubber life sized replicas of Ron Jeremy’s penis.

“Violence is a product of the patriarchy,” says gender neutral SPVM spokesperson Xer Herxenzir. “Women, unlike men, are incapable of violence. There’s never been a violent woman in the entire history of the human race. Violence is a thoroughly masculine creation born in the fiery pits of patriarchal domination. The only way to truly deal with violent crime is by dealing with the patriarchal foundation that enables it. That’s where Ron Jeremy’s penis comes into play."

Gender theorists at Concordia have devised an innovative policing strategy that will erase violence and usher in an era of social harmony. “Theorists at Concordia have surmised, using the help of tea leaves and astrology, that crime is the result of male insecurity,” says faecesiologist Bonita Quinn. "In order for men to turn away from patriarchal forms of aggression, they need to accept their vulnerabilities. Criminals who come face to face with Ron Jeremy’s ample manhood will have to confront their own phallic insecurities. By attacking men with giant dildos, the police will be challenging male criminals to accept their sexual inadequacies. Gender theorists at Concordia believe that police can use Ron Jeremy’s oversized pole to help men come to terms with their low rank on society’s social totem pole. When men learn to accept that they are weak and vulnerable and inadequate, patriarchy will collapse and we will live in Utopia."

The new policing strategy has many people scratching their heads. “Our Universities are run by lunatics, and these lunatics are shaping the social policies which guarantee our safety,” says Henrietta Blank, a 26 year old electrician. “At this point, we’re only a generation or two away from seeing Idiocracy come true. Anyone with half a brain should be stocking up on canned goods and getting ready for society to collapse, because with policies like this being implemented, it’s only a matter of time before everything collapses."
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