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Wednesday March 4th, 2015

Random yelling is the new hip thing according to pretentious journalists desperately looking for ways to make themselves seem sophisticated.

“We’ve pretty much done everything that can be done with music,” claims professional music reviewer Mayur Quetoi. “So now the big in-thing is anti-music. We’re talking about yelling and screaming while pretending to masturbate. We’re talking about caterwauling and moaning without instruments. We’re talking about howling and barking and crying and whining. That’s what people have to start listening to if they want to be part of the in crowd."

Obnoxious screaming is taking the music world by storm and Montreal promoters are jumping on the bandwagon. “From Tokyo to New York, yelling without rhythm, lyrics, or instruments is en vogue,” says event organizer Sti Tescon. “From now on, parties in Montreal will have more post-modernism and less music. Pointless screaming is better than EDM, it’s better than techno, it’s better than psytrance. It’s better than everything. You haven’t really lived until you’ve danced to the manic piercing screams of a dozen women yelling at you."

Many ravers are upset with the no-music-allowed policy that so many promoters have embraced. “Eh, fuck them,” says Sti. “Ravers don’t have to be our audience. Party goers don’t have to be our audience. Partying is dead. If you don’t want to listen to people yelling at you, if you don’t want to dance while people scream in your direction in a non-lyrical manner, you’re a terrible human being and you deserve to die."

Thanks to the popularity of anti-music, CDs of crying children are now flying off the shelves and climbing up the charts. “I’d much rather listen to a dozen babies wailing than to EDM,” says Concordia student Liana Budd. “That’s genuine, real emotion. It’s raw, it’s pure, it’s visceral. There’s no artifice, it’s not manufactured, it’s genuine, real sound free from the oppressive, racist, sexist -- but not classist, which isn't a thing -- trappings of the Industrial Entertainment Complex. Justin Bieber used to be the big thing on the radio, now it’s crying babies and screaming women. And I couldn’t be happier."

What do you think? Is anti-music better than techno? Would you like to go to a screaming-only dance party? Are babies the new pop stars? Let us know!
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