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Wednesday July 8th, 2015

Perry Hilton, a 24 year old South Shore mechanic, has become an internet superstar after a video of him drinking his own vomit was posted on to youtube. The video in question was filmed at his best friend’s bachelor party. Perry and a dozen other men participated in the age old tradition of getting thoroughly trashed in honour of their lost brethren, Mitchel White, who had chosen perdition and pussy over dignity and freedom.

“I got totally hammered,” says Perry. “I couldn’t help it. I was about to lose my best friend to marriage. I’ll never Mitchel again. Marriage murders friendships. That’s a scientific fact. Getting married is the same damn thing as dropping a nuclear bomb on all your closest relationships. None of them will survive the marriage."

Despondent and depressed, Perry started to pound back the beers. “I drank and I drank and I drank some more,” says Perry. “I don’t remember the night too clearly, which was the whole point of my drinking so damn much. Eventually, I was so out of it, that I started puking every few minutes."

Perry’s friends found his constant vomiting hilarious. “He’d empty out his stomach into his beer glass, then go write back to drinking,” says husband-to-be Mitchel. “It was amazing. He was so out of it, he didn’t realize what he was doing."

Internet commenters agree. “Oh man, videos of drunk people drinking their own vomit will always be hilarious!!” says professional youtube commenter UrMoMsAwH0RE. “I wish more people would post golden moments like in on to the internet. It’s important to immortalize people’s most embarrassing moments by sharing them with billions of strangers."

Perry doesn’t remember drinking his own vomit. “If they hadn’t filmed me, I would never have believed it,” says Perry. “I think posting that video was a bit of a dick move on Mitchel’s part, but I’m okay with it because it stands as a warning to everyone else out there. When you let your friends get married, there’s a good chance you’re going to get so drunk that you’ll drink your own vomit. It happened to me, don’t let it happen to you. Friends don’t let friends get married."
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