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Tuesday July 7th, 2015

34 year old Montreal promoter Mason Dixie passed away this weekend after he choked on seagull droppings. “He was dancing at tam tams with his mouth wide open when a seagull dropped a deuce right down his throat,” says Benningworth Cobblesmidt, the first paramedic to arrive on scene. “Unfortunately, by the time we arrived, he had already taken his last breath. There was nothing we could do to help him."

Mason isn’t the first person to die by choking on seagull droppings. “Seagull feces are one of the leading causes of summer time deaths,” says Benningworth. “It’s much more common than people realize. Every year, thousands of people around the world choke to death on bird shit."

Seagulls kill far more people than sharks do, says animalogist Betty Cooper. “I think it’s intentional,” says Betty. “Seagulls are the quiet, soft spoken serial killers of the wild. No one expects them to be as deadly as they are, but they’re out there, eating our bread crumbs, flying over our heads, just waiting for the perfect moment to drop liquid pellets of doom on to the world. Every day people die beneath the seagull's lethal white rain."

Seagulls are such potent murder machines, that they are now being weaponized by the disgruntled and deranged. “Over in Belgium, there was a case of an angry psytrance producer releasing a hundred seagulls at a dubstep event,” says interpol commissioner Veronica Andrews. “Dozens of ravers died of seagull related asphyxiation. It was one of the worst dance related acts of terrorism in human history."

Betty says that there’s not much people can do to put an end to the seagull terrorism. “We share this planet with deadly animals that want us dead,” says Betty. “The only thing you can really do is make peace with your own mortality and accept the fact that sooner or later, you’re going to die, and it might be because a flying rodent defecated in your mouth."
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