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Thursday July 9th, 2015

The Nomadic Beat Collective is giving new life to the old business of door to door sales. Instead of selling tupperware or encyclopedias, Nomadic Beat sells on demand music mixes. “We’re like the Avon Ladies of EDM,” says Nomadic Beat Collective founder Alfredo Pennywerther, “but instead of giving people silky smooth hands, we give them silky smooth beats. You’re at home minding your business, working on your spreadsheets, when suddenly you hear a knock at the door. It’s us, with our turn tables and music mixers. Give us ten books, and we’ll turn your boring afternoon into a mind blowing rave."

Nomad Beat offers customers a variety of musical and dance related services. “You can buy a thirty minute DJ set for twenty dollars, we’ll throw in a strobe light and disco ball for an extra fifteen. For a hundred dollars, we’ll get down and twerk it as we work it on the turntables. Shaking that ass while giving you mad bass."

The idea behind Nomad Beat Collective might seem quixotic, but Alfredo says his company is in it for the long haul. “Right now, we’re just selling PG-13 dance parties, but once marijuana and prostitution are both legalized, and our lobbyists our working hard to make that happen, we’re going to offer people the full rave experience. We’ll smoke a bowl, then suck you off while you’re dancing to Goldfrapp. Eventually, we want to be able to sell people MDMA, crystal meth, and existential shame."

Business analysts are convinced that Nomad Beat Collective has a bright future, but only if their lobbying efforts succeed. “If Canada legalizes both the drug trade and prostitution, then the infrastructure Alfredo is building up right now will become insanely profitable,” says Bert Bunglevanger of the Royal Institute of Extreme Business Excellency. "He’ll own the largest door-to-door vice company in the country. He’s banking on the fact that changing moral values will one day enable him to sell people what they really want: music, good drugs, and easy sex. Imagine door to door drug dealers and prostitutes? That’s the kind future I want to invest in."
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