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Friday December 18th, 2015

The Surprise Babies Movement is causing head aches for people across North America, as it’s members wage war on condoms, pregnancy kits, and other birth control technologies. Members troll Dollar Stores and pharmacies for easily accessible merchandise which they then sabotage, pricking holes into condoms and replacing new pregnancy kits with used ones. “We want to make the world a more interesting place,” says Heidi Godwin, the founder of the movement. “We’re giving people the gift of the unexpected! Life is a lot more fun when you don’t know what to expect, and people who are expecting to remain childless are going to be in for a surprise once they use one of the products we’ve tampered with.”

Heidi’s organization has quickly spread from her hometown of Portland, Oregon to most major cities in North America. Some chapters have opened up as far away as Stockholm and Moscow. “I think a lot of people are beginning to rebel against reproductive technologies,” says Heidi. “We want to re-inject nature into our society. Right now, everything is going out of control because technology is enabling people to behave in ways that are frankly unnatural. It’s bad for the future of the human race.”

Opponents of The Surprise Babies Movement are enraged by its tactics and its message. “We’ve come so far as a society and now these retrograde idiots want to erase all our hard won victories,” says Belinda Baleine, the president of the Erotic Technologies Foundation. “They’re terrorizing our uteruses and taking our agency away. It’s important that we stand up, as a people, and loudly and forcefully reject their actions. We also need to encourage pharmacies and dollar stores to manage reproductive technologies like condoms and pregnancy kits in a way that prevents their tampering. If they don’t step up their game willingly, the government may have to step in and regulate the sale of condoms to ensure that customers are protected from sabotage by The Surprise Babies Movement.”
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