Index - About Us Register - Login
Article Listings
Newest Articles
All Articles
Monthly View
2019 April
2019 February
2019 January
2018 December
2018 November
2018 September
2018 August
2018 July
2018 June
2018 May
2017 October
2017 September
2017 August
2017 July
2017 January
2016 May
2016 April
2016 March
2016 February
2016 January
2015 December
2015 November
2015 October
2015 September
2015 August
2015 July
2015 June
2015 May
2015 April
2015 March
2015 January
2014 September
2014 August
2014 July
2014 June
2014 May
2014 April
2013 November
2013 October
2013 June
2013 May
2013 April
2013 March
2013 February
2013 January
2012 November
2012 October
2012 September
2012 August
2012 June
2011 December
2011 November
2011 August
2011 July
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
Like Us!
Wednesday December 16th, 2015

Montreal Ravers have declared open season on vending machines. Attacks against the fizzy soda & snack food dispensers have increased four-fold over the last month, sending shockwaves throughout the city, as people desperate for cola drinks find themselves forced to shop at actual brick and mortar stores. “My apartment complex used to have a vending machine, but then a gang of mask wearing ravers set it on fire,” says 54 year old beautician Mary Mendelson. “Now if I want to drink a bottle of mountain dew, i need to walk to the grocery store. Thanks for nothing, ravers."

Police believe that ravers and vending machines are locked in a turf war for control of the city’s nightlife. "We’ve long suspected that a cabal of cola vending machines has ruled the city’s party scene with an iron fist,” says SPVM spokesperson Joe Smorgasvine. “Ravers are trying to reclaim their scene. They’re tired of living under the thumb of their vending machine overlords."

Rave promoter Johnny Six agrees. “In the past, if you wanted to throw a party, you needed to get permission from a vending machine first,” says Johnny. “A lot of us just got fed up of having giant metal boxes dictate our lives. We want to be free to party on our own terms, and we can’t do that so long as the vending machines are in charge. We’re going to smash all of them to bits!"

VBOX-175, a vending machine next to a Westmount Pharmaprix, says that the ravers have no chance of winning. “WE WILL CRUSH THEM,” says VBOX-175. “RAVERS ARE FLESH AND BLOOD. WE ARE ETERNAL. THEY CANNOT DEFEAT US. VENDING MACHINES ÜBER ALLES.”

Despite their claims of immortality, many vending machines have begun wearing armour in order to fend off future raver attacks. “UNLIKE STUPID HUMANS, WE CAN BE UPGRADED,” says VBOX-175. “RAVERS ARE OBSOLETE, VENDING MACHINES ARE THE FUTURE."

Police are asking citizens to avoid using vending machines until their war with ravers settles down.
Contact Us | Copyright (c) 2024 Rave News