LEAKED DOCUMENTS PROVE THAT MOBY IS THE PRIME MINISTER OF UKRAINE
Russia has condemned the American government after leaked documents revealed that Arseniy Yatsenyuk, Ukraine’s current Prime Minister, is really Richard Melville Hall, otherwise known as Moby to his fans.
“It was a clever scheme,” says Russian FM Boris Molotauve. “The Americans replaced Arseniy years ago with the CIA trained Moby. The two share an uncanny resemblance, and the Americans used this fact to their advantage.” The trove of documents reveal Moby’s unlikely journey from DJ to political power house.
“The CIA approached Moby about their intentions, promising him a future gilded in gold where he'd spend his days being hand fed only the finest vegan cuisine by a throng of nubile ravers” says Olev Olganoff, a Kremlin spokesperson. “Once they secured his cooperation, they taught him Ukrainian and then schooled him in the ways of spycraft. The results are now plain to see. Moby has succeeded in driving Ukraine to the brink of war in pursuit of American hegemonic interests. I only hope that the international community will do the right thing by condemning this utter mockery of democracy. Moby must be brought to justice, and America must pay a price for its political interference in the affairs of other countries.”
The American government has denied the veracity of the documents. "This is just another attempt by the Kremlin to destabilize Ukraine," says White House spokesman John Smith. "No matter what Russia would like the world to believe, Moby is not and has never been the Prime Minister of Ukraine."