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Sunday October 17th, 2010
THE VODKA TAMPON



The latest craze to hit Montreal was born and bred in the United Kingdom. It's as classy as crystal meth, but the high is nowhere near as intense -- it's the vodka soaked tampon. Foolhardy party kids in Montreal are now trying to catch up with their British peers drug and alcohol habits. Local ravers have begun dipping tampons in Vodka. They let it soak up for a good twenty minutes, and once the tampon is fully saturated with everyone's favorite fermented potato beverage, the kids grab the little fluffy tubes of doom and insert them either vaginally or, for the boys, rectally.

Rectal and vaginal alcohol consumption is not a good idea. Your muff and your crack don't have the same kind of heavy duty protection as your gastrointestinal track when it comes to stopping dubious substances from entering into your bloodstream. Vodka gets your blood all dopey slowly when you drink it -- but when you shove vodka up your vagina or your asshole, your blood gets a nearly instant hit of the stuff. It's a fast and dangerous rush, and the chances of getting alcohol poisoning are infinitely higher when your preferred method of consumption is through one of your lower body cavities.

Women should be especially wary of shoving vodka soaked tampons up their vaginas, because they run the risk of damaging their reproductive system. That's a high price to pay for such a small buzz. On the bright side, the women who do end up doing this are taking themselves out of the gene pool. Darwin doesn't favor stupid people. You want kids? Don't shove vodka up your holes. Instead? Drink it. Your body will thank you.
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