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Friday February 1st, 2019

The public is clamouring for a clamp down on raving after yet another citizen lost their eyes in a feral raver attack, making them the 404th victim this year. “It’s getting out of hand,” says Vancouver police commissioner Ray Riley . “Every week, four or five people have their eyes gauged out by ravers, and no matter how many parties we shut down, no matter how many DJs we throw in jail, the attacks just keep on coming.”

Commissioner Riley has officially asked the federal government to label raving a terrorist hate movement. “This is no longer a police matter,” says Riley. “Ravers are dangerous and pose a serious threat not only to the people of Canada, but to the Canadian state itself. Today they’re gouging out eyeballs, but tomorrow they’ll be gouging out democracy and our right to vote. The only way we can put an end to raver terrorism is by treating ravers as enemy combatants engaged in a holy war against Canada. Ravers are a threat that only the military can fight. They’re just too much for the police to handle.”

Terrorism expert Guro Kuu agrees. “Ravers are the EDM equivalent of the Taliban,” says Mr. Kuu. “The so-called rave scene is really just a hyper militant theocratic community hellbent on replacing Canadian democracy with Plurocracy, the rule of ravers. Say goodbye to liberal democracy and hello to plurology, the religion of peace, love, unity, and respect. When ravers gouge out the eyes of non-believers, they believe they’re doing it for the sake of plur. They’re blood thirsty fanatics who will plunge our country into chaos if they’re not stopped.”
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