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Wednesday September 20th, 2017

Montreal’s DJ Sighspreader has gone into hiding after a mob of teenager Tumblr users accused him of pimping out his girlfriend for ketamine. “DJ Sighspreader is a total pig,” says Tumblr user StalinistSexBomb. “I was at one of his parties in Verdun when I took a video of him trading his girlfriend for a bump of k. That’s not alright. That’s not cool. That’s the kind of thing that gives raving a bad name. I felt duty bound to post my video online.”

The video of Sighspreader’s pimp game went viral, leading to tens of thousands of angry teenagers to threaten the man with death and worse. “Sighspreader needs to pay,” says one anonymous Tumblr user. “We need to make an example of him so that other DJs know that it’s not okay to sell their girlfriends for a bit of ketamine. Like, if they’re going to force their loved ones into prostitution in order to fuel their drug habit, than they should at least be demanding better drugs. Cocaine or DMT or maybe something exotic like ayuhasca. I can understand pimping out your girlfriend for something like that, but ketamine? That’s just insulting. Women are worth more than that, I mean, they’re at least worth four tabs of really good acid, like the real shit that Timothy Leary used to make.”

DJ Sighspreader says he’s very sorry for his actions. “I admit, I should have asked for something better than ketamine,” says the DJ. “That was short sighted of me, it wasn’t respectful, it was really kind of misogynistic. I admit that. In the future, I’ll be sure that to only trade my girlfriend for high quality drugs, the kind that better reflect her intrinsic value as a human being, the kind of drugs that affirm the essential dignity that everyone possesses.” The DJ is looking forward to returning to public life and hopes the current furor dies down soon.
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