Index - About Us Register - Login
Article Listings
Newest Articles
All Articles
Monthly View
2019 April
2019 February
2019 January
2018 December
2018 November
2018 September
2018 August
2018 July
2018 June
2018 May
2017 October
2017 September
2017 August
2017 July
2017 January
2016 May
2016 April
2016 March
2016 February
2016 January
2015 December
2015 November
2015 October
2015 September
2015 August
2015 July
2015 June
2015 May
2015 April
2015 March
2015 January
2014 September
2014 August
2014 July
2014 June
2014 May
2014 April
2013 November
2013 October
2013 June
2013 May
2013 April
2013 March
2013 February
2013 January
2012 November
2012 October
2012 September
2012 August
2012 June
2011 December
2011 November
2011 August
2011 July
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
Like Us!
Monday September 25th, 2017

Sologamy, the practice of marrying yourself, has seen an explosion in popularity across America. Growing numbers of people are giving up on dating and marriage, and choosing instead to marry themselves in elaborate and slightly absurd ceremonies that thumb their noses at the very idea of holy matrimony.

Experts like Dr. Ruth Vader predict that nearly 60% of Americans will have dropped out of the mating game by 2025. “In the future, most marriages will be sologamous in nature,” says Dr. Vader. “The trend lines are very clear. People aren’t having as much sex anymore, they’re not dating as much, they’re not socializing as much, and they’re not marrying as much. Our society is becoming increasingly narccisistic, and there’s no sign of this changing. Get used to a childless future of deracinated, uprooted atoms who have no ties to their communities or neighbours. Instead, the only meaningful relationship most people in the future will have is the one with the person they see in their mirror, and it’s going to be a pretty shitty relationship.”

Sologamists like Matt Perrier are undeterred by nay sayers. “Love is a total fraud,” says Mr. Perrier. “I used to spend all my time on Tinder and various dating apps, trying to find someone I could marry and start a family with, but instead all I found was a deep sense of disappointment in the human race. I was so happy to discover that other misanthropes had pioneered the practice of sologamy, and decided to try my own hand at living a sologamous life. It was the best decision I ever made.”

Mr. Perrier had a sologamous wedding on a beach off the coast of California. “I didn’t bother inviting anyone. There was no priest, no bride, no bridesmaids, no annoying guests. It was just me and the great blue sea. I made a vow to myself to never share my heart with another living soul, then I drank half a bottle of vodka and passed out for a couple hours. It was a deeply spiritual experience.” Mr. Perrier says that since marrying himself, his life has never been better. “I spend all my money on video games, sex dolls, and miniature crocodile replicas. If I had a wife or a girlfriend, I’d have so many obligations and I’d be expected to spend my money more responsibly. Where’s the fun in that?”
Contact Us | Copyright (c) 2024 Rave News