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Saturday September 16th, 2017

Scientists have finally put to rest a controversy that has roiled the rave community since it’s inception: yes, girls can in fact DJ. The Institute for Resolute Research has spent millions of dollars investigating the matter over the last fifteen years, and now Dr. Kubel Kobble, the head researcher for it’s Gender Equity In Musical Entropy program, has finally published the long awaited results of their work.

“Our study proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that girls can DJ,” says scientist Dr. Kobble. “The numbers are overwhelming, the results are conclusive. The scientists at the I.R.R consider the matter settled. The debates can now end. Women, like men, are capable of putting CDs into CDJs and pretending that they’re artists. They can also put records into record players, and take them out of record players, all while twisting knobs and pushing buttons. All genders are capable of pretending that they are talented even when they’re not. In fact, our study shows that nearly any mammal of any gender is capable of being a DJ. Dogs, cats, monkeys, armadillos. If it has a pulse, it can DJ. Hell, I’m pretty sure if you replaced a human DJ at a party with a mechanical hammer that randomly smashed into things, no one would be able to tell the difference.”

Chad McChaderston, one of New York City’s most prominent misogynistic ravers, denounced the study. “It’s bullshit! Women can’t DJ! I don’t care what the study says,” says Mr. McChaderston. “If you can’t grow hair on your chest, you can’t be a DJ. A manly beard is one of the key ingredients to being a good DJ. And I mean a manly man beard, not one of those effeminate hipster beards that soy drinking cosmopolitans pay hundreds of dollars to groom. No, you need a majestic unkempt beard that birds build nests in to be a DJ. The kind of beard that radiates testosterone to the point that woman orgasm simply by being in the same room as that beard. If you don’t have a beard, you’re not a DJ. That’s a raver fact, and you can quote me on that.”

Dr. Kobbel is baffled by the resistance his research is having in some corners of the rave community. “The numbers don’t lie. It’s not a conspiracy. Women can DJ. So can kangaroos, penguins, baby seals, even certain species of exotic spiders.”
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