Blue waffle disease, a venereal infection that causes female genitalia to become engorged until it looks like a nightmarish morning snack, has spread across the city of Boston. Doctors now say that four out of five Bostonian women under thirty currently suffer from the illness. “I blame our Universities,” says Dr. Rael Medsin of the Boston Cream Medical Alliance. “The campus culture in Boston has encouraged a generation of young people to act like total degenerate whores. These young men and women have no conception of personal responsibility, safety, or risk. They live their lives with no thought of tomorrow, screwing anything with a pulse. As result, formerly exotic sexually transmitted diseases have now become widespread. Thank god smallpox wasn’t an STD, otherwise Boston would be a graveyard.”

City health officials believe it’s too late to stop the disease from spreading. “Boston has reached a tipping point in degeneracy that can’t be stopped,” says Dr. Alberto Otrebla of the New England Institute for Statistical Analysis of Facts And Numbers. “As a scientist, I understand data points and that things that tip them, and the numbers don’t lie. The point of total sexual degeneracy has been tipped, and now an irreversible cascade is taking place. Boston is facing a sexual crisis that it cannot win. Every woman in the city will soon have blue waffle disease, and every male will be a secret carrier of the illness. The only hope for Massachussett’s is to quarantine the entire city and sterilize the population.”

Unsurprisingly, few residents approve of Dr. Otrebla’s plan for the city. Many women afflicted with the condition have fought back against the idea that blue waffle disease is worth curing, some of them even embrace the condition as a sign of female empowerment. “There’s no shame in having an STD that makes your vagina look like a giant blue waffle,” says Mercedes Fourier, a student at Pringleton University. “The medical establishment profits from controlling female sexuality, and it’s trying to shame women with blue waffle disease into thinking that they’re now somehow damaged goods. The problem isn’t with those of us who have a contagious illness, it’s with health-typical people who think every illness needs to be cured. Blue waffle disease doesn’t need to be cured, but blue waffle stigma does. We don’t need medicine or drugs, we need to teach men to respect the waffle.”