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Monday October 30th, 2017
PHILANTHROPIST WANTS TO BUILD FLEET OF DRIVERLESS SLIZZURP-MOBILES



San Francisco real estate tycoon Jeffrey Lorenza is earning applause across America for his latest slizzurp-centric philanthropic venture. Slizzurp, which also goes by the name lean and purple drank, is an intoxicating beverage made by mixing cough syrup and soda. It has long been popular with the homeless, though in recent years it has become the drink of choice among liberal art graduates, trust fund kids, and New York journalists.

The popularity of the drink among the rich and well-to-do inspired Mr. Lorenza to give back to the community that pioneered the beverage. “I love slizzurp,” says Mr. Lorenza. “And I would never have tasted such a delightful elixir if not for America’s homeless community. That’s why I’m building a fleet of slizzurp dispensing trucks that will scour the streets of America looking for homeless people in desperate need of tasty, affordable high.”

Mr. Lorenza’s slizzurp-mobiles are already a common sight at soup kitchens, homeless, shelters, and Universities in several major American cities. “We’ve got a dozen slizzurp mobiles operating in San Francisco, New York, and Chicago already,” says Mr. Lorenza. “My vision is to have a fleet of ten thousand driverless trucks dispensing slizzurp in every city in America. My venture is currently designing algorithms that measure a city’s homeless population in real time. In a few years, driverless trucks piloted by algorithm will hunt down the homeless to give them slizzzurp. It’s going to be amazing.”
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