The cab industry has long struggled to attract female talent, but a new study coming out of Boston’s Sahne University, promises to change that fact. “We surveyed all the female cab drivers in America looking for things that they shared in common,” says lead researcher Dr. Horace Tyson. “We discovered that 85% of female cabbies had, at some point in their lives, a serious ketamine habit. That’s not a coincidence. We believe that frequent ketamine use does something to the female brain that makes women more interested in driving cabs.”

Dr. Tyson’s findings are preliminary, but the researcher hopes to launch follow-up studies to figure out exactly what’s going on. “If we’re right and ketamine is changing female brains to make them more interested in the cab driving industry, that hints that it might be possible to attract more women to the field by giving them ketamine.” The research envisions a future where Universities and trade schools hand out ketamine to women in an effort to turn them into cab drivers.

“And why stop at cab driving? Maybe there are other drugs we can give women to recruit them to other fields that are lop-sidedly male. Maybe we can increase the number of female coal minors and garbage disposal specialists if we start giving them opioids. Would taking LSD make women more interested in computer science? Hardcore drugs might be the key to ending gender differences in the workplace.”