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Saturday October 21st, 2017

There’s a new movement afoot that believes the solution to climate change is giving the world a good shag. Literally. Ecosexuals claim that having sex with the planet is the only way to save the environment Thousands of men across the world are dropping their pants and slamming the ground with penises in the hope of healing the earth. Women are also getting into the act by creating phallic mounds out of dirt which they then mount. These practices might seem bizarre or even degenerate to normal people, but ecosexuals claim that by having sex with the planet, they’re helping saving the human race.

Perry Molson, founder of the American Ecosexual Alliance, claims that when humans engage in sexual intercourse with the planet, they unblock so-called planetary ley lines through which the earth’s emotional energies travel. “Climate change is caused by an imbalance in the planet’s chi,” says Mr. Molson. “You can unblock this chi with prodding ley lines your penis or by sucking them up with your vagina. This might sound absurd, but I’ve conducted dozens of studies with my students, and the evidence is conclusive. Mother Gaia is good need of some tender loving, and the more people join us in exploring the planet’s sexual needs and desires, the sooner we can put an end to climate change.”

In fact, it’s not just climate change that ecosexuals believe sexual congress with the planet can fix. “Every single planetary illness is caused by sexual frustration,” says ecosexual Randy Polanyi. “Acid rain, super volcanos, earth quakes, hurricanes, pollution, there’s not a single environmental illness that we can’t fix by fucking the planet good and hard. People might find that hard to believe, but they should keep an open mind. Just give it a shot. Dig a hole in the ground and have sex with it. Worst case scenario, you’ll get a little bit dirty. Best case? You’ll stop a hurricane from forming in the Atlantic.”
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