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Monday October 2nd, 2017

The Silicon Valley digerati are shocking the world with their newest social craze: licking each other’s assholes as a way of saying hello. “Hugging people, saying hi, that’s such a peasant thing to do,” says Houten Morrisburg, the billionaire founder of the furry social network Klopklop. “My friends in the Silicon Valley elite have helped popularize a more sophisticated kind of greeting, something that’ll separate us good wealthy smart people from the low class poor trash that consumes our products. Instead of doing something as gauche as shake a hand or utter a greeting, we pull down our pants and lick each other’s sphincters. It’s a very elegant, very intimate, very refined way of connecting with our friends.”

The American ruling class has even given a name to the practice. “We call it the Silicon Valley handshake,” says New York journalist Ross Childers. “I’m a trust fund kid from a very wealthy family, which makes me a good person and gives a lot of moral weight to my opinions. That’s why when I say the Silicon Valley handshake is superior to peasant greetings, you know I’m saying the truth. Every last journalist New York city has abandonned the high-five, the hello, the kiss on the cheek, and the hug. We all exclusively greet each other with the Silicon Valley handshake. You know you’re a better class of person when you’ve tasted all of your friend’s taints.”

Common people have not been enthusiastic about adopting the Silicon Valley handshake. “Just because rich people are licking each other’s assholes doesn’t mean I need to,” says Laticia Jonson, a high school teacher from Pittsburgh. “I don’t get why rich people do weird things like this. Are they so insecure about their place in the world that they have to constantly find new shit to do that’ll separate them from the rest of us? It’s just so tiring at this point. We get it, you’re rich, you think you’re better than the rest of us. But now you’re just embarrassing yourselves.”

Some researchers fear that if the working class stops trying to emulate the ruling class, revolutions can’t be far behind. “Historically, poor people in socially cohesive societies try to emulate the habits and behaviours of the rich,” says Dr. Diana Anais, a researcher at the Fulton Urban Studies Center. “The moment the poor stop trying to emulate the rich is the moment the rich should start fearing for their safety. If the Silicon Valley handshake doesn’t take off among your average American, then it might not be long before Silicon Valley titans are being hunted for sport by angry working class mobs.”

Silicon Valley tycoons, for their part, don’t want normal people to adopt their new handshake. “I think everyone in the Silicon Valley elite agrees with me when I say poor people deserve to die,” says Houten. “We can’t build a better world until we’ve cleansed it of all the filth. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to go say hello to my mother.”
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