Large penis syndrome is a real thing and doctors would like you not to laugh about it. “Every day, dozens of men across Canada kill themselves because their penis is simply too large for them to lead functional lives,” says urologist Dr. Dray Palma. “We’re not talking about men with 10 inch penises either, but massive monsters that are over over 14 inches long. The problem with having a gigantic penis is that people don’t take you seriously when you complain about it. However, having a massive penis can cause real problems that we need to approach compassionately and with an open mind.”

Lon Johnson is a 43 year old man who has struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since he was a teenager. “My penis terrifies women,” says Lon. “It’s 17 inches long and 9 inches wide. No woman wants that in her body. Whenever they see me naked, they shiver with fear. I have never had sex in my life. I simply got tired of women running away from me screaming after they saw me naked. My ego couldn’t take it anymore. I just want to find a woman who will love me despite my enormous penis. It’s not my fault that my cock is just too damn big. I didn’t ask to have a large penis. I was born this way. It’s a burden and I hate it.”

Dr. Palma says that large penis syndrome is a growing concern thanks to EDM’s popularity. “Studies have already proven that listening to techno will make your penis bigger,” says Dr. Palma. “And that’s not always a good thing. What happens when your penis is just too big to pleasure another person? Every day, techno enthusiasts find that the members between their leg has simply gotten too big for their britches. We, as a society, need to take large penis syndrome more seriously. It’s time for us to ban techno music, otherwise the time will come when men will simply have penises too large for women to handle. We’ll stop having babies and then we’ll die out. Techno is going to murder the human race by making our penises too large. We can’t let that happen. We need to end techno music before it ends human civilization.”