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Friday January 22nd, 2016

Harvey Comet, a 34 year old mechanic from St-Henri, was arrested Saturday after motorboating a woman to death at club Chez Saloperie. Motorboating is the act of smothering a person’s face with your breasts. “Harvey got carried away, and before he knew it, his victim had suffocated to death between his luscious man titties,” says club owner Carl Gustav. “It’s a real tragedy. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to kill her. I mean, who doesn’t love to have their faces smothered by a giant fat man’s ample bosom? At least the woman died a comfortable death surrounded by sensuous and deeply erotic man meat.”

The police aren’t quite as forgiving, however. “Men need to realize that their breasts are dangerous weapons,” says Lt. Casey Jones of the SPVM. “Guns don’t kill people, titties do. You got to keep your man mounds hidden from sight, otherwise you run the risk of killing someone with them. This isn’t the first time a woman died by motor boating, and it won’t be the last time. The Montreal police department takes incidents like this very seriously, and we ask the men of our fair city to think twice before they attack someone with their tits.”

Many men in Montreal disagree with the police. “Breasts don’t kill people, people kill people,” says Larry Gunther, a stripper at Les Hommes Nues. “I mean, yes women might die by being motorboated by a man with an ample chest, but what about women who kill men with their feminine wiles? Lady parts kill just as many people as man boobs do, but you don’t hear the police admonishing women for having evil sexy bodies. It’s a double standard. Our society still has a lot of work to do when it comes to social equality. Free the man boob!”
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