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Thursday April 14th, 2016

Party promoters in Portland, Oregon have called on club owners to replace their coat checks with privilege checks. “It’s about time that people recognize that checking your privilege is more important than checking coats,” says DJ Randy Marsh. “I think everyone would feel a lot safer at events if customers had to check your privilege at the door. Yeah, some people might carry guns in their coat pockets, but other people carry the privilege of white systemic racism and male patriarchal oppression in the very marrow of their bones. I think it’s just good common sense that if we expect people to check coats to make clubbing environments safe, then we should also expect them to check the ways their very existence oppresses and marginalizes other people.”

Donald Wiggs, owner of Portland’s Club Cocuage, agrees. “I think any club that strives to create a safe and welcoming environment for people should institute privilege checks at the door,” says Donald. “That’s why any time a white male enters our club, we tar and feather them before they’re allowed to hit the dance floor. It’s our way of teaching white men that their very existence is horribly oppressive on a deep and immutable level. So far the results have been great.”

Patrons at Club Cocuage agree. “Oh man, I hate myself so much,” says 23 year old white male Vincent Hugo. “That’s why I love coming here! It’s like wow, this is a club that treats me with the kind of contempt that I deserve. I really hope privilege checks become more common. Just imagine how great it’ll be when white men get shit on no matter where they go? God, what a time to be alive. Kill whitey!”

Not everyone is as enthusiastic about privilege checks. “I think middle class white people are radicalizing poor white people by treating them like they’re subhuman scum,” says Felix Dorival, the owner of Portland’s Lemon Blossom Club. “A lot of anti-racist activism is really just elitism dressed up in altruistic garb. It’s going to end badly. Pissing on the poor is now socially acceptable among progressives so long as the people they’re pissing on are white. Then progressives wonder why Donald Trump has so much support. They’re idiots, and if they don’t get their shit together and start treating working class people with respect, Trump will look like Mr. Rogers compared to what follows him.”
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