McCordia University's Union for Sane Social Justice Advocates has come under fire after it started selling tiny dildos for toddlers as part of their “Smash The Patriarchy!” initiative, which aims to challenge patriarchal sexual norms including our society’s current prohibition on pedophilia.

“Pedophilia is a patriarchal cultural construct that denies the agency of 4 year olds,” says internet journalist Uhura Spock. “We need to realize that pedophilia isn’t wrong, that giving four year old dildos isn’t wrong. The real problem is shaming pedophiles, the real problem is denying the sexual agency of 4 year olds, the real problem is saying it’s wrong for children to have sexual urges. They have urges, and we need to respect those urges while empowering children to act on them. That’s the only morally acceptable thing we can do. Everything else is sexist patriarchal domination that reinforces our eurocentric cisgendered rape culture, a rape culture that’s grounded in colonialist attitudes built on a foundation of heteronormative genealogies that we need to decenter using radical forms of resistance based on a firm intersectional understanding of narratives that sustain oppressive power relations between toxic white masculinity and its victims."

USSJA spokersperson Helga Labête agreees. “It's 2015! it’s time to accept that history is linear, and you’re either on the right side of it or the wrong side of it. Our values must evolve with the moral arc of progress, which means we have to stop oppressing pedophiles and start embracing their wholly legitimate sexual cravings and urges. If you break the word pedophile down to its roots, you get pedo for child and phile for love. Pedophile literally means loving children. The only people who think its wrong to love children are white supremacist patriarchy loving reactionaries. Don’t let them dictate our culture! Fight the patriarchy by giving a four year old one of our custom made kid sized dildos."

People who were lucky enough to avoid University are baffled by what schools are now teaching students. “What the hell is wrong with McCordia University?” asks 47 year old electrician Jerome Lemieux. “Seriously, what the hell are they teaching these kids? I’m a working class leftist. I’m in a union. I believe in equal rights for everyone and i’m against discrimination, but apparently that’s not enough. Now if i don’t support giving little children dildos I’m the bad guy? Our universities are run by lunatics. God help us once these crazy brats start running the government."

You can buy your old kid sized dildo at McCordia’s Kool-Aid Counter.