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Thursday June 25th, 2015

Montreal is under siege as deranged gangs of women hating video gamers continue to terrorize the city. “It’s not safe to go out at night anymore” says party promoter Basil Wassau. “Once the sun sets, if you step outside, odds are you’ll be attacked by a cis-white male dressed up as an iconic video game character. Last night, my girlfriend was brutally raped and assaulted by a man in a sonic the hedge hog outfit. He kept hitting her in the face with a vintage Nintendo entertainment system. We called the police and they just laughed at us. They said that rape wasn’t a real crime.”

The police are adamant that they will not intervene in the violence. "The Montreal police are fully committed to turning this city into a hellish post-apocalyptic nightmare,” says Sgt. Peralta. “We are not going to arrest these vicious video gamers because we endorse their actions. We are agents of the state, champions of the Illuminati, and stewards of the patriarchy. Our entire existence is dedicated to oppressing everyone, everywhere, all the time. The gamer uprising has inspired us to reveal our true colours. We’ve grown tired of pretending to care about justice. The truth is, we just want to watch the whole world burn. Gamer Akbar! Rape culture is the one true culture! Women drool, men rule! Patriarchy today! Patriarchy tomorrow! Patriarchy forever!"

Ravers aren’t taking the gamer uprising lying down. “The police approve of this video game inspired blood bath,” says 23 year old party girl Krystal Selia. “They support video gamers killing, raping, and murdering people with impunity. Yesterday, I saw a dozen people wearing Mario & Luigi masks burn down a night club. No one did anything to stop them. That’s why I’ve organized the Raver Liberation Front. If the police won’t put an end to sexist inhuman video gamers murdering people in their misogynistic war on women, than the party women of Montreal will step up and do the job for them. They want a revolution, so we’ll give them one.”

Krystal says that starting tonight, groups of ravers will patrol the city and shoot video gamers on site. “We’ll kill all the cis white males and put an end to their murderous video gaming ways. Gamer Akbar? Try gamers are dead, because we shot them all in the head with AK-47s. Payback hurts, gamer boys."
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