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Tuesday July 14th, 2015

Dozens of ravers are dead after an earthquake hit Goa over the weekend. “The epicentre was right in the middle of a psytrance party,” says seismologist Henry Hicks. “We’re lucky it was a relatively small quake, otherwise a lot more people could have died."

The loss of life was quickly seized on by religious fanatics and feminists, who both claimed that the earthquake was divine punishment for the skimpy clothing that party goers were wearing.

“God was punishing the whores,” says Rev. Paul Wiggums of the Great Church of Everlane Baptism. “He was punishing the whores for dressing like whores, he was punishing the whores for dancing like whores, he was punishing the whores for being whores. God hates a sinner, and they were sinning in Goa, and now they’re dead, and they’re dead because God hates them. But I love God, and he loves me, and he’ll love you too if you just obey and submit and recognize his divine authority. God is glorious, God is great."

Rev. Wiggums wasn’t the only fanatic blaming their deaths on divine retribution. Feminists joined in, calling the earthquake punishment against those women who internalized patriarchy by dressing up in oppressively skimpy attire.

“The women at that rave were willingly objectifying themselves for the benefit of the male gaze, and Mother Earth punished them for their sins. What happened wasn’t an earthquake, it was Mother Earth smashing the patriarchy,” says feminist geologist Hon Epawp. “People need to understand that the term earthquake was invented by white cis-hetero males in an attempt to deny, minimize, and obscure our planet’s acts of feminist dissent. The earth doesn’t quake, instead, it screams out at male oppression, and it shifts its tectonic plates in anger at white male privilege. Intersectionality akbar!"

Intersectionality akbar is a common phrase among feminists who, ever fearful of offending mother earth, militantly celebrate the divine and immutable truth of intersectional feminism, which they believe is the very faith of the planet itself. “Our scholars discovered the One True Way while studying at prestigious Ivy League universities,” says Hon. “They divested themselves of their illusions and discovered the true nature of reality thanks to literary theory, which they used to unravel the mysteries of Mother Earth. Out of the goodness of their hearts, these scholars now offer their wisdom to the unwashed masses in order that they may be saved and made whole again. Intersectionality akbar!"

Hon says that it was literary theory that revealed the intersectional truth of oppression. “It’s a truth that rules over us as the sun rules over the earth, and as the earth rules over us,” says Hon. "The Buddha said that life is suffering, but Herbert Marcus, and Bell Hooks, and Cornel West have all shown the Buddha the error of his ways. Life is suffering, yes, unless you are a white male, in which case you are the oppressor and must be punished by the forces of Harvard, and the forces of Yale, and the forces of Stanford, and the forces of Oxford, the four forces which embody the true knowledge of Mother Earth. It has been written, and what is written, must be. Ululululu, kill all men, ululululu, especially the white ones. Intersectionality akbar!"

Culture studies graduate and online journalist Baruth Jennings agrees. “In the absence of feminism, which is The One True Way, there is only barbarism and domination. Mother Earth, peace be upon her, will continue to punish the unbelievers until they accept Bell Hooks into their heart, and realize that only by kneeling before Ivy League Liberal Art Graduates can they hope to find salvation in this world and in the next. Listen to us and believe. We are the light, the way, and the holy truth. We care for you, and that is why you must follow us, otherwise we will make you walk the walk of shame, where you will be purged of your disobedience and learn to submit to our rule. Intersectionality akbar."

Healthy well adjusted people find both feminists and religious fanatics to be a little bit crazy. “I remember when crazy people used to be ignored,” says Pepper Ridgefarm. “Now, they write for newspapers."
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