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Monday July 13th, 2015

The Montreal police are warning ravers to be careful when they go out, after learning about a new gang that’s terrorizing the city’s night life. “They call themselves the Toothfairies,” says Sgt. Bruce Morgan of the SPVM. “They wander the streets of Montreal, looking for party goers to assault. Once they find a victim, they steal all their teeth by using brutally violent extraction methods. We won’t go into details, but suffice it to say, it’s not pretty, but it’s effective. If you get targeted by the tooth fairies, you’ll need dentures."

So far, police say over a dozen ravers have been rendered toothless by members of the gang. “We’ve heard rumours that street gangs are starting to use raver teeth as a new form of currency,” says Sgt. Morgan. “It’s like a more sociopathic version of bitcoin, but instead of mining coins with computers, they’re mining teeth by punching ravers in the face and than pulling out their pearly whites."

Police say that the teeth are then traded for drugs, guns, and sexual favours. “As more and more people start trading goods and services in exchange for raver teeth, going out at night to party and dance will become increasingly dangerous,” says Sgt. Morgan. “We hope that the presence of this new threat will help ravers re-evaluate their lifestyle choices. Perhaps instead of dancing at all night parties, they should consider studying for school, or working on a new business, or reading books about tax accounting. All of those activities are safe and don’t put people at risk of having all their teeth removed by roving gangs of brigands."

Ravers, for their part, say that they’re undeterred. “Even if violent gangs do steal all our teeth, that won’t stop us from dancing” says Greg Butterfeld, a 23 year old raver from Montreal Nord. “Raving is life, dancing is life, music is life. Teeth? They’re a luxury. And besides, toothless people give way better blow jobs. In some ways, the tooth fairies are actually doing ravers a favour."
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