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Monday December 28th, 2015

Even Montreal isn’t immune to Trump fever, as party organizers across the city have declared January the Month of Trump. “We’ve decided to throw hundreds of events in honour of Donald Trump, the republican front-runner,” says Todd Perkins, the president of the Montreal Union of Rave Promoters. “As the head of MURP, I can confidently say that ravers around the world stand behind Trump. We believe that he won’t just make America great again, he’ll make raving great again.”

18 year old rave enthusiast Donna Winters agrees. “When my grandparents tell me about how great raving used to be back in the early days, I get really jealous,” says Donna. “I support Trump because I believe he’ll teach America how to throw good quality raves like the one’s they my parents used to attend. I want to experience the thrill and excitement of going to a genuine, authentic old school rave. And I think Trump is the only person that can make that happen.”

Teenagers across Montreal agree. “I think once Trump becomes President of America, he’ll annex Canada and then we can all benefit from his leadership,” says 16 year old high school student Beverley Chewinkle. “I look forward to the day when Trump rules over Canada with an iron fist and a techno inspired soundtrack.”

Many believe that Donald Trump is the only hope ravers have of surviving the globalist apocalypse that will sweep the world thanks to the financial elites Coudenhove-Kalergi plan. “In the 1920s, the count of Coudenhove-Kalergi cooked up an evil plan to turn the public into docile idiots that could easily be manipulated by the ruling class,” says conspiracy realist Sean Connor. “This plan involved the destruction of national identities and cultures so that people would become interchangeable, fungible widgets incapable of class solidarity. He wanted to create a world where citizens no longer had any social ties to each other, a world where we were all cattle that could be easily slaughtered by our rulers. The Count of Coudenhove-Kalergi is the real father of the European Union, and no one wants to talk about him because his politics were batshit crazy. Donald Trump is the only hope we have of putting an end to the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan. And if we put an end to that plan, raving will be great again. Because raving is a cultural identity, a nationality that only Trump will recognize. If you want to rave in freedom as part of the raver nation, you got to support the Trump who can’t be stumped.”

Not all ravers see it that way.

“Trump supporters are racist bigots,” says 21 year old Buzzfeed reader and happy hardcore raver Leonora Funstein. “Anyone who supports Trump should be thrown into a volcano. Also, if you believe in the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, you’re a crazy nut job who should spend less time reading books and more time reading newspaper articles by journalists who work for serious companies worth billions of dollars. Rich people want us to know the truth, that’s why they own all the newspapers. They care about us. Except Trump, he’s a piece of shit.”

The Month of Trump starts January 1st, 2016.
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