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Monday December 14th, 2015

A new shocking report has been released by the Centre For Problematic Overreactions that claims that one out of five female college students will be raped and murdered in front of a live television audience.

“We’ve long known that 20% of college aged women will be raped during their time at university,” says lead researcher Lizzie McGuire. “To put that number in perspective, you’re more likely to get raped in University than you are to get raped in war torn Sudan. That’s how dangerous Universities are! It’s crazy. We thought that the rape statistics being thrown around the media seemed a little off. I mean, isn’t it a bit weird that women are less likely to get raped in a third world country ravaged by war than they are while attending University? It’s almost as if the media is stirring up a moral panic by convincing gullible idiots that they’re in far more danger than they actually are."

Lizzie says she was expecting her research to debunk the common 1 in 5 rape statistic, but it turns out that the truth was even worse than the media suggests. “Our research, which involved spending a lot of time on Tumblr and Twitter, revealed that not only will 20% of women in college be raped, but their violation will be filmed by a team of professional journalists and aired lived on television. How messed up is that?"

Most men aren’t surprised by the brutal realities of women being raped and murdered on live television, says 24 year old frat bro Chad Masters. “Look, we men are barbaric savages incapable of empathy or compassion,” says Chad. “We spend our days killing people in video games and our nights raping and murdering women in front of journalists and news reporters. We’re scary monsters like that! If you’ve ever spent even half an hour with a man, you know that he’s nothing more than a blood thirsty animal. That’s why it’s important that bourgeois feminist academics build an omnipotent, omnipresent bureaucratic machine to dominate and regulate men in order to keep their thanatic impulses in check. If society doesn’t empower totalitarian bureaucrats to criminalize masculinity, we’ll just keep raping and murdering women in front of news reporters and journalists. ”

Chad says that even though he’s a heartless beast incapable of feeling anything besides an unrelenting desire to destroy fragile females, women shouldn’t be too concerned about his propensity for raping and murdering women in front of news reporters. “I always tell my girlfriend, ‘honey, don’t forget — between now and graduation day, you live in a world where you have 1 in 5 odds of being raped and murdered in front of a news reporter. Live everyday like it’s your last, because it really might be!’” says Chad. “In other words, the ever present threat of a violent and brutal death forces women to truly live in the present. Would my girlfriend really feel alive if she wasn’t chronically terrified of dying?”

Feminists, for their part, are calling for the government to give them far reaching powers to police masculinity in society. “The statistics don’t lie!” says McCordia University professor Amos Thibault. “Men are monsters, and unless the government makes being male illegal, they’ll keep raping and murdering young women on live television. In order to put a stop to toxic masculinity, we need to pass laws that mandate transgender surgery for babies with penises. We need to outlaw masculinity and ban penises! Do it for freedom, do it for feminism! Intersectionality akbar!"
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