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Wednesday December 9th, 2015

A mass murderer that’s been stalking the city’s nightlife for over a decade has finally been apprehended. Roger Pilon has been terrorizing the city since 2005, kidnapping and murdering ravers, then selling lamps made out of their flesh and bones over eBay. Police were alerted to the serial killers existence after local butcher Gary Sandler bought one of his lamps and realized the gruesome truth about their construction. “I spend my days cutting up animals,” says Gary. “I know flesh when I see it, and when I finally laid eyes on the lamp I bought from Roger, I knew that I was looking at something disgusting.”

The police say that Roger has sold thousands of lamps, each of them built out of raver body parts. “He’d cut the ravers up and use their body parts to craft his creations,” says Lt. Casey Jones. “Judging by the amount of lamps he sold, it’s safe to say that Roger is Canada’s most prolific murderer. You could fill a small stadium with all the dead ravers he turned into lamps.”

The police aren’t sure why Roger targeted ravers. “So far, our investigation suggests that every last person he ever killed was a raver. Perhaps a raver once rejected him when he was younger? Maybe he was physically assaulted by a dubstep enthusiast? I really don’t know what could possess a man to murder ravers and then turn their bodies into lamps.”

We might never know what Roger’s motivations were, since he hasn’t spoken a single word since the police arrested him. “He’s a wall of silence,” says Lt. Jones. “He hasn’t spoken a word. On the bright side, we got a killer off the streets, but sadly, we might never know why a thousand ravers had to die at his hands.”
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