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Thursday December 10th, 2015

Music festival organizers across North America are coming under fire for the age old practice of imprisoning the DJs that play at their events. The tradition, which started in Woodstock, involves locking DJs in a cage after their sets are played and then inviting audience members to pelt the artists with stones. “It’s an age old tradition that is part and parcel of music festival culture,” says organizer Chad Stevens. “Our culture is distinct, and if we exist in a truly multicultural society that values diversity, than the public must accept our practice of pelting imprisoned DJs with stones. That’s who we are, and we demand to be respected.”

Social justice advocates disagree. “It’s 2015,” says liberal arts major Lisa Hudwenk, “it’s the current year! It’s time for us to abolish the cultural practices that affluent university graduates have determined are unjust and unprincipled!”

University professors agree. “Now that it’s 2015, if there’s one thing we should all realize, it’s that University students and graduates are the arbiters of moral truth. It’s only by obeying the moral dictates of people who have gone to University that we, as a society, can finally build heaven on earth. That’s why it’s important for anyone who is challenged by a university student on moral questions to drop down to their knees and beg the students for forgiveness. Universities are the moral guardians of our society, and this will always be true, forever.”

Chad disagrees. “We realize that the people who want us to stop stoning DJs are all brats who have fallen in love with post-modernism. They value cultural diversity, but they don’t want to respect music festival culture. It’s not like the DJs are consenting to being imprisoned and stoned with rocks -- they are. But even if they weren’t, if our custom was to kidnap DJs and stone them, they’d have to respect that. It’s our culture, not theirs, and we refuse to be colonized by asshole university graduates. If you’re a liberal art major, do us all a favour, and don’t come to our parties. Go throw your own shitty hipster party, where everyone is chronically offended over every last little thing. If you come to our party, we’ll lock you in with the DJs but save the sharpest rocks for you.”
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