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Friday May 9th, 2014

Dale Alexander is a self-help guru with a unique take on getting rich. “You need to party all night, every night,” says Dale. “That’s the key to making real money, real fast. I know it sounds crazy, but the research doesn't lie. If you want to make money, you need to shake your ass on the dance floor regularly. Preferably while drunk. Being stoned out of your mind also helps.”

Scientists agree. “Yes, it’s true, partygoers make far more money than their boring counterparts,” says Melissa Goering, a researcher with the Montreal Urban Renewal Institute. “We’re not exactly sure why that it is yet, but the evidence is overwhelming. People who party every night from dusk until dawn have salaries that are 65% higher on average than people who prefer living healthy, well adjusted lives.”

Another scientist, Graham Willis, recently wrapped up a study of his own that shows that the link between partying and being rich isn’t correlational. “It’s causal,” says Graham. “We put a dozen lonely computer nerds on a strict cocaine & clubbing regimen, and within two months, they were all making 15% more money. We call it the Rob Ford effect. We don’t know why it works, but we do know that it does, in fact work. The more wasted you get, the more successful you become. The lesson is simple: if you want to succeed in life, drop out of school and spend all your time partying. Our hope is that, with continued research, we'll be able to find out why partying is such a lucrative activity.”

Dale Alexander is happy that the science is finally catching up with his life work. “I've been travelling around the world for nearly two decades teaching people how to get rich quick by partying all the time,” says Jason. “I was an object of scorn and ridicule for the better part of 15 years. It didn't matter how many people I helped. I’ve turned around thousands of lives, yet the doubters kept heckling me. I feel incredibly vindicated right now.”
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