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Thursday June 13th, 2013
PHANTOM SNUGGLER CONTINUES TO ELUDE POLICE



The so-called phantom snuggler continues to elude Montreal Police officers, who have released yet another statement warning college students to be on the look-out for suspicious men prowling around their buildings late at night. "Over the weekend, we received another report from a woman who claims to have woken up in the embrace of a complete stranger," says Sgt. Lemieux. After yelling at the man, he promptly got out of her bed and jumped out her open window, which he had apparently jimmied open to enter her apartment."

Lisa Huxley was one of the phantom snugglers first victims. "I just woke up to discover some weird hairy guy was spooning me," says Lisa. "It was terrifying. It's scary to think that someone can slip into your bed without even waking you up. I asked him 'Who the hell are you?' and he just told me, very calmly, that he was a dubstep DJ, as if that explained everything. Then he climbed out my window, and ran away. There are some seriously messed up people out there."

Deans at several of Montreal's Universities have urged their students to install locks on their windows. Henry Bellwether, dean of the University of St-Denis, says it's better to be safe than sorry. "The phantom snuggler is still out there, terrorizing our students," says Mr. Bellwether. "There's no telling when he'll strike next. That's why it's important for our students, and for all Montrealers really, to ensure the safety of their persons. We are hopeful that the SPVM will capture this errant snuggler before he terrorizes anyone else."

Bernard Beautemps is one such victim who looks forward to seeing the snuggler face justice. "Last month, I woke up to some guy pulling on my bed sheets. My first reaction was to punch him, but I missed his jaw by two inches. He looked at me and said he just wanted to snuggle before running off into my bathroom. I was in a state of shock, and kind of freaked out, so I didn't chase after him. My bathroom doesn't have windows, so I thought he was trapped in there, and I don't know if he's got a knife or a gun, or what, so I called the police and waited for them to arrive. They went to investigate, and discovered that he had escaped through the ceiling tiles. This crazy bastard snuck into my apartment through the ceiling. He's insane."

Police are confident that, with the amount of witnesses who have seen the phantom snuggler, he'll eventually be caught. "We don't have many leads at the moment," says Sgt. Lemieux, "But we are confident that we will apprehend the snuggler in the near future. In the mean time, we ask that people be vigilant."
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