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Tuesday January 8th, 2013

Montreal ravers are embracing the latest health fad in record numbers. Vagina cola cleansing, a wild new age therapy that originated in the clubs of Scotland, has hit the city with record force. Young women of all ages have taken up the cola douches with zeal of the true believers.

Lynn Cavis was an early cola cleanse convert. "I was in Scotland on a trip when I met a girl at this donk party who told me all about the health properties of cleaning your bits using a sponge soaked in cola. I know it sounds crazy, but it really works! I used to get chronic bladder infections, but ever since I took up coca cola, I've felt like a million dollars. Coca cola keeps you clean."

Local promoter Marie-Eve Beaudoin has been cashing in on the fad by hosting coca-cola cleansing parties. "These are girls only events, because really, boys don't want to see how we keep the pipe works clean. The tickets are only $10, and that includes a free sponge, a two litter bottle of spermicidal cola, and the sickest beats you've ever heard. Our all female girl power DJ line-up is second to none, plus we have plenty of booths that are all about keeping your vagina happy."

Not everyone is happy with the coca cola fad. Some doctors are downright concerned. "There's no basis in medical science for using coca-cola as some kind of wonder drug," said Dr. David Gilman, a West-Island gynecologist. "What I'm really worried is that some young women now thing that they don't need to use condoms so long as they wash themselves with coca cola afterwards. They are putting themselves at serious risk. There is absolutely no evidence that coca cola will prevent you from catching STDs."

Many of Montreal's coca cola cleansing community disagree. "I haven't used condoms or birth control since switching to coca cola cleanses," says Marie-Eve Beaudoin, "and I've never felt cleaner in my life. Cola works miracles, and it's a lot cheaper than condoms or birth control. If you have a vagina, you have to try the cola cleanse at least once. You won't regret it."
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