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Friday September 28th, 2012

"Smartphones are the new glowsticks," says sociologist Helen LaFemme. "I've been tracking both the sale and popularity of glowsticks for the last decade. Once smartphones took off, glowstick sales plummeted," says Helen. "It's getting to the point where most people at parties are shunned if they wave glowsticks around instead of their smartphones."

Antoine Legault, a salesman for Glowsticks Emporium, tells Rave News that business has fallen. "The last few years have been horrible," says Antoine. "Apple and Google have eaten our lunch. In the past, we could count on blitzed out party goers to buy our glowsticks, but not anymore. We've had to diversify our product line in order to stay in business."

Glowsticks Emporium stays afloat these days by selling a variety of glow in the dark sex toys. "Condoms, anal beads, vibrators, dildos, whatever. It's crass, but it brings in the dollars, unlike glowsticks."

Rave diva Jen Dartagnon is a recent smartphone convert. "I used to be all about the glowsticks, but then my friends started snickering behind my back whenever I'd wave one around. I wanted to be cool like them, so I got an iPhone, which I love to wave in the air once the bass starts thumping."

Todd White, a spokesperson for Apple, says it's about time glowsticks died out. "Years ago, when our company was in financial turmoil, Steve Jobs wracked his brain trying to figure out how to bring us back to profitability," says Todd. "He realized that Apple's future could be saved if we came up with a more expensive alternative to glowsticks. It took many years to accomplish Steve's vision, but his day has finally come. The glowstick is dying. Long live the smartphone."

These days, you can't go to a show without noticing a sea of phones in the air. It's a brave new world, a world that some rave veterans find terrifying. "First they got rid of the pacifiers, now they're getting rid of glowsticks," says 40 year old booty house enthusiast Bob Roberts. "What's next? Are they going to stop playing happy hardcore? The future scares me."
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