DUBSTEP PROMOTER SWIPES CASHBOX AT RIVAL RAVE
Meth addicted Dubstep promoter Bernard Bosworth swiped the cash box at a rival's party on Friday. Clarrence Turgeon, the promoter who was robbed, chased after the wily thief with the help of DJ Tasha Tamberlyn. Unfortunately for the pair, Bernard eluded capture, and hasn't been seen since the time of the crime.
Tasha couldn't believe Bernard's brazen act of thuggery. "He just walked up to the table, grabbed the cashbox, and ran off like a moron. At least a dozen people saw him do it, most of us know who he is, and several of us know where he lives. He's been taking meth for at least a year now, and I know crystal makes you stupid, but I never thought it'd make someone that stupid. He'd have to be a real imbecile if he thought he'd get away with this."
Sophia Papadakis was on door duty at the time of the theft. "I don't know what was going through his mind. I was taking tickets when he walked up to the table, got this big stupid smile on his face, and grabbed the cashbox. He started laughing, turned his back, and ran away. And he didn't run the way a normal person would. He was moving his body like some sort of demon possessed freak. Imagine what Big Bird would look like if he was wearing a butt plug while being chased by a tiger. That's how Bernard was running. Like his legs were made of silly putty or something. I was so shocked, I just sat there dumbstruck."
Clarence, meanwhile shrugged the theft off. "Bernard got away from us, but it's not a big deal. The cash box only had a few hundred bucks in it, and sooner or later, I'll get it back from him. I know where he lives, and if he doesn't play nice and return the money, I'll just rob his party next time."