It’s not a secret that Generation Z is the most undersexed on record, and a recent study by The Urban Primates Institute confirms it. Researcher Dr. Ron Dawng, has spent the last two years observing the sexual habits of three thousand teenagers. “Our results are conclusive. Teenagers would rather play Minecraft than have sex,” says Dr. Dawng. “They consider fighting off mobs of creepers in Minecraft more rewarding than exploring one another’s sexuality. Generation Z thinks mining ore with a virtual pick-axe is better than taking it up the ass.”

Seventeen year old teenager Todd Solomon agrees. “I’d rather play Minecraft than play with someone’s bodily orifices,” says Todd. “Minecraft is safe, it’s gentle, it’s always there for me when I need it. I love Minecraft and I love what I can do with it. Escaping into Minecraft is way more exciting than escaping into someone’s body cavities. Minecraft is the best lover I could ever ask for.”

Party promoters are worried by the rise of these so-called Minecraft-sexuals. “Dance floors are emptying up as more and more teenagers eschew partying in favour of Minecraft,” says promoter James Jabroni. “Partying is all about finding people to have sex with, so if teenagers don’t want to have sex anymore, they have no reason to party. That’s going to put all us promoters out of business. Imagine a future where all our clubs and bars go out of business because everyone’s too busy building houses in Minecraft to. That future will soon be a reality.”