Sexologists with the American Institute For Scientific Fisting have released a report that’s sure to dilate your orifices in excitement. According to research conducted by the institute, couples that fist each other are 85% less likely to divorce each other. “There’s a huge causal relationship between fisting and relationship satisfaction,” says lead researcher Dr. Ross Culot. “Most normal relationships see a deterioration in romantic and sexual satisfaction after the first three years together, but couples that fist each other don’t experience that drop. Fisting lovers are like perpetual newlyweds.”

It seems that the act of fisting, which involves shoving your entire hand up your partner’s bodily orifices, creates a kind of psychological and emotional shield around your relationship, rendering it impervious to the stresses that cause normal, non-fisting relationships to shatter. “A couple that fists each other sticks together,” says Dr. Culot. “In fact, mutual fisting is the single most potent act that a couple can take to ensure that it lasts. Nothing else comes close. Not relationship therapy, not a warm and loving rapport between partners, not kindness and compassion, not even regular cocaine fueled gangbangs with your friends and neighbours. Nothing comes close to fisting when it comes to guaranteeing relationship satisfaction.”

Dr. Culot believes that the government should begin teaching high school students the merits and values of fisting. “There’s been a massive collapse in marriage rates over the last sixty years as well as a huge spike in divorce numbers. The American Institute For Scientific Fisting believes that a national fisting strategy could not only halt this decline in marriages, but even reverse it,” says Dr. Culot. “Yes, fisting may seem like a very crude and pornographic act, but it’s a perfectly natural one that can guarantee long term satisfaction in love. Think of all the marriages we could save if everyone learned the value of a good fisting.”