Toronto’s Comrade Stomp, the infamous Marxist dance club, has closed its doors after the collective that ran the place exploded into an orgy of in-fighting. “We couldn’t see eye-to-eye on how to best manage a communist space while simultaneously navigating capitalist restraints,” says Tracy Vanderbilt, an otherkin activist who volunteered at the club. “The proletariat who worked on the floor kept butting their heads against the intellectual vanguard that kept our books, managed our supply chains, and organized our event nights. Blue collar and white collar communists found themselves gripped in a struggle to the death.”

The proles on the dance floor claimed that Marxist bureaucrats were mismanaging funds and had no idea how to keep the bar stocked. “We kept running out of alcohol,” says former bartender Jezebel Jazowka. “You wouldn’t believe the line-ups at the bar. I mean, you had people who were waiting for a drink for hours and hours and they would walk away empty handed, with no liquids to put in their bellies. It was really depressing.”

Marxist intellectual Bougie Aristos, who has a Ph.D from Oxford University, says that the club would have been just fine if the workers hadn’t engaged in reactionary activities. “The intellectual vanguard had everything under control, but the proles at Comrade Stomp were unwilling to adhere to the dictates of historical materialism as determined by their intellectual betters. They engaged in frequent subversive activities that undermined the long-term viability of our alcohol supply chain. They did not possess sufficient class consciousness, and their false consciousness poisoned the activities of our club, forcing it to shut down. This just goes to show you, the only way for communism to work is if we eliminate the working class and replace it entirely with big brained intellectuals.”