Index - About Us Register - Login
Article Listings
Newest Articles
All Articles
Monthly View
2019 April
2019 February
2019 January
2018 December
2018 November
2018 September
2018 August
2018 July
2018 June
2018 May
2017 October
2017 September
2017 August
2017 July
2017 January
2016 May
2016 April
2016 March
2016 February
2016 January
2015 December
2015 November
2015 October
2015 September
2015 August
2015 July
2015 June
2015 May
2015 April
2015 March
2015 January
2014 September
2014 August
2014 July
2014 June
2014 May
2014 April
2013 November
2013 October
2013 June
2013 May
2013 April
2013 March
2013 February
2013 January
2012 November
2012 October
2012 September
2012 August
2012 June
2011 December
2011 November
2011 August
2011 July
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
Like Us!
Tuesday September 11th, 2018

Government officials are begging ravers to poop in bags after a team of German scientists discovered that their fecal matter had amazing medical properties. “Ravers are a bit like walking drug factories,” says Dr. Lynn Canthrope of Berlin’s Real Medical Institute. “The habit of constantly consuming drugs has radically altered raver biology. After a few years of raving, your body begins to naturally secrete drugs. That’s why every time a raver uses the toilet, they’re flushing life saving medicine right down the tube. It’s a tragedy.”

Doctors envision a future where ravers around the world will simply poop in medical bags that they will then ship off to facilities that will turn their feces into more palatable medicine. “It might sound gross, but a lot of medicine comes from less than savoury sources,” says Dr. Canthrope. “I mean, there’s an entire field of medicine that involves transplanting another person’s feces into your intestines in order to regrow healthy gut bacteria. That’s a real medical intervention. So people shouldn’t be all that shocked that raver poop can save lives. It can, and it already has, and once the government starts collecting it on a massive scale, it’s going to do an incredible amount of good. The public will be blown away by all the lives that raver secretions end up saving.”

Dr. Canthrope predicts that in the future, government agents will be sent to parties to directly collect raver droppings. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we end up seeing government run raves, either. Hell, you might even see Big Pharma get in on the act. Imagine a future where billion dollar pharmaceutical companies throw raves in order to collect raver feces? That future is likelier than you think.”
Contact Us | Copyright (c) 2024 Rave News