Government officials are begging ravers to poop in bags after a team of German scientists discovered that their fecal matter had amazing medical properties. “Ravers are a bit like walking drug factories,” says Dr. Lynn Canthrope of Berlin’s Real Medical Institute. “The habit of constantly consuming drugs has radically altered raver biology. After a few years of raving, your body begins to naturally secrete drugs. That’s why every time a raver uses the toilet, they’re flushing life saving medicine right down the tube. It’s a tragedy.”

Doctors envision a future where ravers around the world will simply poop in medical bags that they will then ship off to facilities that will turn their feces into more palatable medicine. “It might sound gross, but a lot of medicine comes from less than savoury sources,” says Dr. Canthrope. “I mean, there’s an entire field of medicine that involves transplanting another person’s feces into your intestines in order to regrow healthy gut bacteria. That’s a real medical intervention. So people shouldn’t be all that shocked that raver poop can save lives. It can, and it already has, and once the government starts collecting it on a massive scale, it’s going to do an incredible amount of good. The public will be blown away by all the lives that raver secretions end up saving.”

Dr. Canthrope predicts that in the future, government agents will be sent to parties to directly collect raver droppings. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we end up seeing government run raves, either. Hell, you might even see Big Pharma get in on the act. Imagine a future where billion dollar pharmaceutical companies throw raves in order to collect raver feces? That future is likelier than you think.”