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Wednesday June 13th, 2018

New York’s legendary Grand Tardigrade, a dance club opened in 1995 by eccentric billionaire Max Gadiga, has announced a new entrance policy that some worry may one day become an American norm: you can only enter his venue after having your DNA screened for a variety of anti-social genetic markers.

“My club is going to pioneer the future of partying,” says Max. “Our current policy is just a test run for a broader business strategy. Right now, we just want to keep out people with bad genes, but in the future we want to organize events that cater to people with specific genetic profiles. You’ve heard of personalized medicine, I want the public to start thinking about personalized dance parties. Imagine going to a club where everyone has been chosen for maximum genetic compatibility. It’s assortative mating on steroids, and if it works, it’s going to be amazing.”

Civil rights activists are already preparing challenges for the new policy, but Max is undeterred. “Even if they manage to shut The Grand Tardigrade down, they won’t be able to stop me from building clubs across the planet. I’m going to establish a worldwide network of venues that use genetic screening technologies to choose their clientele. Activists might succeed in pushing my clubs out of the west, but good luck doing that in Asia or Eastern Europe. A lot of non-western countries are friendly to eugenics, and those that aren’t are pretty friendly to fat stacks of money. One way or another, I’ll turn my vision of using genetics to create the perfect dance party into reality.”
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