A spike in teenage pregnancies has been blamed on unisex bathrooms by a coalition of faith based organizations. The Alliance for Moral Purity, an umbrella group of over fifty religious charities, recently published a report that claims to show gender inclusive bathrooms are to blame for the recent rise in teenage motherhood.

“When you allow young men and women to use the same washroom, you are tacitly encouraging them to engage in promiscuous behaviour,” says Ingrid Cellac, the report’s lead author. “You create opportunities for the underage to partake in carnal explorations that can lead to pregnancy, to bastard children born out of wedlock, and worst of all to the corruption of youthful souls who will find themselves damned in the after life, forever trapped in a fiery inferno of pain and suffering.”

Marvin Magdaline, founder of the Celebrate Celibacy Network, says that the report shows how out of touch the Canadian government is when it comes to sexuality. “The numbers don’t lie,” says Marvin. “When schools let young men and women share the same bathrooms, you give them permission to trade their bodily fluids with each other on public property. In effect, the government is turning our children into sex crazed whores who are allergic to modesty and temperate behaviour.”

Ingrid agrees. “Our schools have become brothels that celebrate whoredom,” says Ingrid. “Your average high school teacher is nothing more than a prostitute who is more concerned with turning their wards into fellow degenerates than they are in arming the next generation with the morals and values necessary to lead productive, godly lives as upstanding citizens. We live in a sick country, full of sick people, engaged in sick behaviour.”