A Kingston DJ was arrested over the weekend after police caught him trying to trade his girlfriend for fifteen grams of ketamine. “We had undercover agents at a party the suspect was playing at, and our officers moved in when they realized what he was trying to do,” says Sgt. Belfast of the Greater Kingston Police Force. “The DJ put up no resistant and his girlfriend is safe and sound.”

Kingston rave promoter Ted Ruckspin says that it’s not the first time a local DJ has tried to trade a human being for ketamine. “It happens at least once a month,” says Ted. “Sometimes it even happens twice. Kingston has a pretty rotten rave culture, and the DJs here are in the habit of trading people for drugs. Usually their girlfriends, but sometimes it’ll be their grandparents. I remember once when a DJ tried trading his grandmother for an eight ball of cocaine. It’s messed up.”

The police say that they’ll be upping their presence in the city’s rave scene in order to dissuade DJs from human trafficking. “As long as the rave scene tolerates DJs that treat human beings as commodities, they can expect a heavy police presence at their parties,” says Sgt. Belfast. “If they don’t want us riding their asses, then they need to put an end to human trafficking at their events. People shouldn’t be traded for drugs. It’s pretty simple. Don’t trade your girlfriend, your brother, your uncle or anyone else for cocaine or meth or whatever. Just don’t do it.”