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Tuesday December 25th, 2018

The city of Toronto is experiencing a urinal cake crisis as hundreds of ravers are scouring public bathrooms in order to steal them. The hygienic products are in hot demand after it was discovered that smoking the crushed remains of a used urinal cake will get you high.

Intrepid psychonauts who have braved the disgust factor in order to smoke crushed urinal pads say that the buzz is like the best parts of cocaine and MDMA mixed with the mild hallucinogenic effects of a low dose of psilocybin. “It’s one of the friendliest highs you can ever have,” says heavy drug user Chad Chatterton. “I’ve taken pretty much everything you can think of in all the weird ways you can imagine. I’ve shoved needles of heroin up my urethra, I’ve huffed gasoline straight from an exhaust pipe, I’ve bathed my ball sack in liquid nitrogen. I’ve done it all, and I’m telling you, nothing comes close in terms of pleasure as smoking the crushed remains of a dirty used urinal cake. Those things are worth their weight in gold.”

The surprising use of dirty urinal cakes as ingredients in a potent psychotropic drug has lead to the creation of a new class of underworld criminals: cake thieves. This class of crook largely consists of ravers who spend their waking hours sneaking into bathrooms looking for their pee soaked goal. A single well drenched urinal cake can sell for up to $25 on the black market, so businesses are having an increasingly hard time keeping their toilets hygienic.

“It’s disgusting that we have to keep an eye on our bathrooms now to make sure people aren’t running away with our urinal cakes,” says fast-food manager Bailey Bebop. “Is that the kind of world we live in now? A world where people make a living stealing urinal cakes?”
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