The best lovers in the world are 37 year old balding rave promoters according to a titillating new study. Researchers at the Institute for Urban Sexual Metrics spent the last five years cataloguing the sexual exploits of over a million people across North America, and after crunching the numbers, they discovered a shocking fact: bald 37 year old rave promoters are the best lovers in the world. Calling them walking aphrodisiacs might be an understatement.

“The study is conclusive,” says lead researcher Dr. Jaide Gromelon. “Bald 37 year old rave promoters are the embodiment of sexual peak performance. We identified over fifty of them across the continent, and every last one of them was responsible for sexually devastating their hometowns. Any man or woman who slept with one of these virile specimens was forever ruined. Once you taste the forbidden fruit of the balding mid thirties rave promoter, no one else can ever satisfy you again.”

Not only that, but some people actually go into acute sexual withdrawal, claims Dr. Gromelon. “We’ve even documented a few cases of people dying once they stopped having sex with 37 year old balding rave promoters,” says Dr. Gromelon. “Their bodies became addicted to the life sustaining sexual bliss provided by these promoters, and once they were no longer being sexually satisfied by them, it was like their internal organs simply gave up on life.”

This is something to keep in mind if you ever encounter a 37 year old bald rave promoter in the wild. Once you start having sex with him, stopping might be bad for your health.