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Thursday August 16th, 2018

Calgary police have arrested 23 year old bartender Todd Lottakyle after he was caught violating the cat of a woman he met through an online dating site. Melissa Finkelstein, the cat owner, caught Mr. Lottakyle in flagrante delicto with her 2 year old siamese kitty after leaving the two alone in her living room. “I went to the washroom to spruce up, and when I got out, there he was with his pants down around his ankles and my cat looking none to pleased.”

Police have reason to believe that this isn’t the first time that Mr. Lottakyle has sexually availed himself to the feline friends of the women he’s met through online dating. “We suspect that Mr. Lottakyle is a serial cat rapist,” says Officer Shayla Shamoniya. “He trolls online dating sites for profiles of women with cats, and if he finds a cat he finds attractive, he’ll try to get a date with her owner.”

This wouldn’t be the first time online dating sites struggled with cat rapists. “There’s a lot of men out there who start online dating profiles as a false pretence for their kitty thirst,” says sexologist Ross Sesvrai. “They’re not there to meet women, but to meet their emotionally and sexually vulnerable pets. A lot of experts have been arguing for years that online dating sites need to do something about this kitty business, and I’m hoping the attention that this case gets will force them to invest money to prevent future crimes against cats. Until then, if you own a cat, don’t mention it on your dating profile.”
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